Often Over Thinking

Go Back the Way You Came, But Don't Go Back the WAY You Came

2011-10-17T19:00:00.000-05:00

On Saturday I returned from the Christian Community Development Association's (CCDA) annual conference, this year held in Indianapolis, IN. During the four days I attended the plenary sessions and workshops, I slowly felt more and more burdened by the weight of all that is broken in our world as I could no longer claim ignorance as my reason for doing nothing. I may not live in an inner city, in a failing neighborhood whose children go to dying schools where, even if they live through the violence and addictions, probably won't graduate or be able to remove themselves from the perpetual cycles of poverty in which they have suffered. But I live in a place where about 50% of the population are immigrants, where many live below the poverty line, and where racism is rampant in schools, and a quiet disease in the home. Just down the road are apartments that house refugees from all over the world, and undocumented immigrants attempting to support their families. I must take ownership of my community, I must have a stake in whether the people I share this place with thrive or succumb to growing problems of poverty, violence, and racism.

So the questions I am faced with now are: What specific problems can be found in my community? What are the needs of the people? How can God use my talents to make a difference? How can the people in danger be empowered to lead and heal their communities together? How can the people be reconciled to themselves, humanity, creation, and God?

Those are scary questions, those are HUGE questions, but some of us are beginning to ask them. I may not be here in West Chicago forever, but I'm here now, this is my community, and God has me here for a reason. And even if what I try to do here changes nothing, I know the people I serve will likely do more to teach me about who God is than I could ever hope to teach them. John Perkins said at the CCDA conference, "We want you to go back the way you came, but not go back the WAY you came." I came back here to West Chicago, but I don't want to be the same as I was when I left, I want to do more, I want to make an impact, and I want to learn. God help me I won't forget that, and I won't just leave it at words!

Themes

2011-08-20T12:19:00.001-05:00

In my time as a follower of Christ I have often noted that God likes to teach in themes. He knows what he wants you to learn, and its as if, because he knows we often miss things that he's trying to teach us, he keeps bringing the same things up over and over again so you pay attention. Whether its a repeating word, story, verse, or whatever, there is no mistaking it for coincidence.

Lately, God has been repeating a few themes in different areas of my life, making sure I catch what he's trying to teach me. Often I struggle to focus enough to really fully grasp what I am reading or listening to, often my thoughts are off somewhere else, and things are lost on me. But when the same themes keep coming up in my reading and conversations, it gets my attention and I know I need to listen.

Some of the themes from the last couple of days:

Testing
God as a Lion
Faithfulness
Hope

The first, testing, came up in conversation with a friend. I was frustrated because there are things in my life that make it harder for me to be here, and not away at school where I don't need to face them everyday. My friend pointed out that I will likely be tested in these areas this year, and that God would not test me if I couldn't pass. The next morning I read through Hebrews 3, and verses 7 and 8 caught my eye immediately:

"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion, on the day of testing in the wilderness."

I felt God calling me to seek him as I am tested, and to not turn to bitterness and let my heart be hardened, but to humbly reach for him to sustain me this year. I do not wish to be like the Israelites, turning away from God in their wandering and their times of testing.

The second theme, God as a lion, was first brought up in conversation with another friend who was encouraging me in my fear about the future and God's call. She pointed out that, in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, God is portrayed as Aslan, a lion. At one point, as they hear Aslan is coming, one of the characters exclaims that he is a lion, and asks if he's safe. Another replies, "Safe?! Who said anything about safe?! He's not a tame lion! But he is good." She pointed out that God's call will not be safe, it will be painful and scary at times, but I can trust him through it because he is good, his purposes are good. Later on, in reading Lamentations 3, God was illustrated as "a lion in hiding, he turned aside my steps and tore me to pieces." When we go through suffering, it feels as though God has ripped us to shreds, and we cry out asking why and begging deliverance. But in my own life, I have seen that the most growth happens when we follow God into difficult places, places that are painful and scary. It drove home the point for me that following him is not safe, it will hurt, it won't be easy, but it is good.

The third and fourth themes are connected; when I am reminded of God's faithfulness, I experience hope. The truth of God's faithfulness has been coming up every now and then since Boundary Waters, but lately a lot more frequently. A friend noted on the trip that we know the sun will come up every morning without fail, even if the clouds hide it, we know its there. If that is true, than how much more should we trust that the one who designed the sun, made it to shine, and put it in the sky is there with us at all times like he has promised? I was reminded of this first from Lamentations 3. After the writer expresses his pain, he goes on to praise God, even in the midst of suffering:

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

More so even than trusting in the sun to rise, I should trust that God has new mercies for me every day, and is with me in my suffering. Again, God reminded me of this in John Mark Mark McMillan's song, My Only, when he sings, "You come with the sun with pockets full of redemption." And from this understanding of God's faithfulness, I can find hope. "You're my only, You're my only, You're my only hope." I sang this earnestly, believing it, understanding that only God could provide the peace I sought. If I can hope in nothing else, I can hope in God, because he is faithful and loves ridiculously, as the song goes on to say.

This year will likely be a difficult time of testing as I am reminded that God's call is not safe, but its worth it. Like the Israelites in the wilderness, I will daily need to ask God for manna, to provide peace and strength to thrive in the midst of difficulty. And as I grow and change under God's instruction, I hope I will be reminded of his faithfulness and the hope it can give me during the hardest of times.

Prayer

2011-08-08T18:05:00.000-05:00

My pastor shared this with some of us on the car ride home from Boundary Waters, and I think it will be very beneficial to me, and probably beneficial to others as well, so I thought I'd pass it on. I struggle in my prayer life, and this prayer may be a good resource for the days when I feel no desire to pray. You can find it here: A Prayer for Days When You Don't Feel Like Praying.

God Bless,
Ricki

The Boundary Waters Experience

2011-08-08T14:00:00.001-05:00

On Saturday I returned from a trip with Community Fellowship Church to the Boundary Waters. I spent a week in the deep, untouched wilderness of northern Minnesota with a group of college students, canoeing, hiking, swimming, and laughing. We grew closer together into a real community, some of us learning patience, others humility, and still others that they had more to offer than they realized. But even more importantly than forging bonds with the others through hard work and quality time, in one way or another we encountered God. In the beauty, silence, and simplicity of the wilderness, it was impossible not to see his hand all around us, not to feel his breath in the wind, not to see his delight in creation with each sunrise.

In spending time without the distractions of the world; computers, phones, clocks, I felt the weight of my stress slowly lift from my shoulders like mist lifting off the morning waters. I could breathe, see, I could hear God in the sounds of nature. All was well; God was taking care of everything, and I could rest.

From this experience, I have taken away a better sense of community with those in my group, and even those who were not. I was convicted more strongly of my need to remove the distractions that I place between God and me, mainly the need to greatly limit my time on the computer and Facebook. And I learned the importance of silence and rest. Sitting on a rock, facing out to God's glorious creation as the earth woke up, listening to the songs of nature renewed my spirit like nothing ever has, and I knew that through silence I could hear God, and through rest I could seek him and simply be in his presence.

Reentering civilization on the last day was a shock, with the sounds of radios, cars, technology, and people everywhere overwhelming my senses. I felt claustrophobic and uneasy, and immediately longed for the space and silence of the Boundary Waters again. Today I saw a picture of the beautiful wilderness in which I spent the last week, and I felt a twinge of pain, an intense longing to be there again that brought tears to my eyes. I long to go back, however I know that, even in its overwhelming beauty, the endless lakes and starry skies of the Boundary waters could never quite quench the thirst within me for beauty and rest. I am reminded, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." So, now that I am home, I seek God in his Word, in what nature and silence I can find around me, and in removing distractions and noise that clutter my life, knowing that only he can satisfy, and one day all things will be made new. My soul rejoices in the hope of sanctification and renewal; the knowledge that I will see the earth made to be as it was intended in all its beauty, and that I will be there, dwelling with God, the ultimate artist who created it.

Saying Goodbye to a Longtime Companion

2011-06-17T14:47:00.000-05:00

Today we had to put one of our old dogs, Mona, to sleep. She had been suffering for a long time with congestive heart failure, and the last couple weeks were the worst. She was at least 16 years old, and she was with us for about 9 years since we took her in after she was dumped by previous owners. It was sad to say goodbye, but I am comforted by the fact that she is no longer suffering. In honor of her memory, here is a recent photo of her snuggling with Jilly, Mona is the one in front.

I Love Photos

2011-06-05T16:58:00.000-05:00

I haven't done much photography since I haven't been able to use my sister's Nikon D80 (due to a lack of battery charger), and I finally got a charger for it a few days ago. Not having a specific subject in mind, I just wandered around my neighborhood and took some simple shots. I thought I'd share them, just for fun :).

My beautiful little sister, Devon.

God Bless,
Ricki

An Expression of Joy

2011-05-30T23:48:00.000-05:00

Tonight I am overcome by happiness. I have no particularly special reason, no great event, nothing new, really. But God is good. God is really spectacularly good. He is all I need, and he fills me and teaches me and disciplines me. He has brought me through countless mistakes, times of heartache and times of pure pain. He has loved me steadfastly, been a light in my darkness, cleansed me with water and refined me with fire. When I see all that my life has been, where I've come, I see that he is so good; he knows what is best for me, and even when I stray form the path, he somehow uses it for his glory. My struggles continue, but I know that God's got it, he's working it out, and I can rest in that. I can rejoice in knowing that I'm not alone and it's all in his hands! Hands far more capable than my own. And no matter what happens, where I end up, what I end up doing, he is enough. In loneliness, he's enough, in weakness, he's enough, in heart ache, he's enough. Praise God that I need not more than him!

Thoughts from My D.C. Trip

2011-03-25T20:47:00.002-05:00

For some reason I have been unable to write a post about my trip. I don't know why, I just know that when I have tried the words have come out forced and with little meaning. So I'll start by simply sharing some of the main points I wrote in my journal during the trip.

All my expectations: shattered. And quite frankly I'm ashamed of what my expectations were. Unfriendly people, discomfort relating to other ethnicities, a general sense of pity and depression for the people of the city. How foolish! I am the one to be pitied! That I would walk right by God's beauty in "the least of these" all my life, it is I who am broken and dirty and lacking!
God's beauty is everywhere! I've heard this again and again but now I'm finally beginning to understand. The kindness of strangers and the materially poor, the voices of people from so many different backgrounds coming together to praise God at the top of our lungs, living with strangers and growing so close that we feel like family. God has opened my eyes.
I have so much room in my heart; for these new friends, and for the beautiful and the broken.
God is so much bigger than I ever knew, or will ever know. There is so much more to Jesus that I can only see through relationships with those who are different from me. He is so beautiful when seen through a wider lens!
I am not as shy as I thought, I am capable of intentionally forging new relationships with people like me, and even those who are so different, and I desire the blessing of these relationships in my life.

Hopefully sometime soon I will find the words to tell some of my stories and expand on some of these lessons.

Tenth Avenue North- Empty My Hands

2011-02-22T22:58:00.000-06:00

Tenth Avenue North- Empty My Hands

I've got voices in my head

And they are so strong

I'm getting sick of this

Oh Lord how long

Will I be haunted by the fear that I believe

My hands like locks on cages

Of these dreams I can't set free

But if I let these dreams die

If I lay down all my wounded pride

But if I let these dreams die

Will I find that letting go lets me come alive

Empty my hands

Fill up my heart

Capture my mind with you

Cause these voices speak instead

What's right is wrong

And I'm giving into them

Please Lord how long

Will I be held captive

By the lies I believe

My heart's in constant chaos

And it keeps me so deceived

But if I let these dreams die

If I could just lay down my dark desire

But if I let these dreams die

Will I find you brought me back to life

Empty my hands

Fill up my heart

Capture my mind with you

Cause my mind is like a building burning down

I need your grace to keep me, keep me from the ground

My heart is just a prisoner of war

A slave to what it wants and what I'm fighting for

So won't you empty my hands

Fill up my heart

Capture my mind with you

With you, with you

I need you now Lord, with you.

Turn Around

2011-02-08T22:30:00.003-06:00

Turn Around

Don’t go, don’t go!

I long to say,

But it is done.

Suddenly I am ripped in two,

Once seeming so whole,

I am now so incomplete.

Come back, come back!

My heart cries,

Night after night.

Beating on the ground,

Beating on my chest.

Bring back my happiness!

“Turn around, turn around!”

You cry to me,

“I am what you need.”

But you are so wild,

And I have learned,

I am so easily satisfied.

“I’m here, I’m here!”

You call out,

To lead me home.

Half blind and half deaf,

On my hands and knees,

I comb the wilderness for you.

“Let go, let go!”

But still I cling,

To weary dreams.

All the while I know,

If I could only turn around,

I would find you.

A New Year Beginning

2011-01-17T00:47:00.000-06:00

Coming in to this new year, I almost made the mistake of dismissing the past year as insignificant, as though not much had taken place, not much had changed. But today I realized that only a year ago I was an entirely different person. It was in the beginning of last year that I discovered God's call for my life, that I decided I wanted to follow Him, no matter what I had to give up, and I made some of the best friendships that I still hold dear today.

It started out exciting, knowing that God had some insane things He wanted to do with me, things I would have never thought I could do. It was confusing, looking for a college to transfer to, scary as I tried to make it all work. It was fun, hanging out with my friends, growing together, and it was difficult, unbearable at times, as God tested just how committed I was to my promise to follow Him no matter what. I started at a new school, 500 miles from home, made new friends, and healed, slowly.

Looking back I realize it was a year ago that my life really began. 2010 was a year of great growth and change, sacrifice, pain, and learning. I'm hoping I don't forget where I came from in 2010, and how I became the person I am now. I hope and pray that this year will be just as monumental!

Being a Christian Before an American

2010-12-06T20:00:00.000-06:00

Today in my US history class we were on the subject of Abraham Lincoln and the Civil War. In case any of you are fuzzy on your history, Lincoln claimed to be a man of faith (I say claimed simply because its impossible to know another persons heart), but as a president, he took a very "Christian Realist" approach in dealing with the difficulties the country was facing as states began seceding from the Union. He believed that the country needed to be held together at any cost, and so ordered troops to literally ravage major cities of southern states, amassing huge casualties on both sides. Lincoln believed that he would do whatever he felt needed to be done to keep the Union together, and that he would ask for forgiveness later.

My professor contrasted Lincoln's view of Christian realism with the founder of our University, David Lipscomb. Lipscomb, in his views on Civil War, was radically Christian, saying that he would not swear allegiance to anything or anyone other than God, and he would not participate in the war's brutality in the name of a government. He wished to be Christian before American, and he would not budge in that.

My professor loves discussion so as per usual, we formed groups to discuss whether we support the Christian realist or radical Christian ideas of the Civil War. I was a little shocked about how the majority of the class felt. It seemed that most groups felt that Lincoln was right in his actions, that the ends justified the means. To me it appeared that a lot of the class, maybe without even realizing it, saw themselves first as Americans, and second as Christians.

Throughout the semester I have been thinking about the struggle it is to, in all things, be a Christian first. This US history class really challenged me in that. Every day I would have to decide how to interpret the history of the nation I call home, and often I would catch myself justifying things in our narrative that I would never justify for another country. I would find myself making judgements as an American before a Christian.

The discussion became very interesting, and the class never really came to an agreement, but one student posed the question, "Can you be a Christian first in all aspects of life and also be the President of the United States?" And I think that's a really challenging question. In our culture where Christianity is viewed as radical in a very negative way, where morality seems to be slipping more and more everyday, is it possible for the President of the US to be a Christian first? I feel like this question is a lot bigger than just countries and presidents, one that I can't even begin to know how to answer. Anyone have any thoughts?

An Invitation

2010-10-04T01:03:00.002-05:00

This week I have been confronted with intense love. I suddenly found myself face to face with a fierce devotion, an extraordinary longing, and an invitation. God held out His hands and invited me in to something I could never have imagined.

I have read the book "Captivating" probably three times now. The first time, my heart was not open to its message, and I came away angry and fighting God. The second I was in a place in my life of self doubt and insecurity, and God used it to reveal to me the lies I had been believing. Just this past week, I read it again. I had been feeling strangely insecure, unwanted, and facing repentance for sin I had ignored for a long time. I felt dirty and weighed down. So in an attempt to loosen myself from the grip of insecurity and needing to hear from God, I began to read "Captivating" for the third time. Expecting to simply be reminded of the lies I was believing, I in no way anticipated that God would explode in to my life the way He did.

I have always understood God's role as Father. I have always understood His role as Friend. I have always understood that the Spirit empowers and is with me always. But God confronted me with a question this week; He asked me, "Will you believe that I want to be your fiance? The love of your life?"

While still grieving the loss of a beautiful relationship, while feeling the aching emptiness it left in my heart, the loneliness and fear, Jesus met me in my grief and said, "I want to fill that emptiness. It should have been me all along. I have led you out in to the wilderness to speak tenderly to you. I had to have you to myself, my heart longs for your beauty, for your love. I want to love you intensely, I want to embrace you in my strength, I want to fight for you. I want to show you how you are beautiful, and I want to draw it out for the world to see. I want to reveal myself and my beauty to the world through you. If you will let me in, I will heal you, I will comfort you, I will teach you and love you like you could never imagine. If you will have me, I will make you my bride." I am moved to tears writing this. Never have I encountered God so personally. Never have I felt love so intense it seems to surround me and fill me and know me all at once.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her.

-Hosea 2:14

I know this is big. I know this is earth shattering and life altering and I will never go back. I know that in everything that has happened, all that I have given up, He was trying to get my attention all along. I am so worth it that He has spent all this time calling me, holding out His hands, reaching for me, pursuing me even though I have ignored Him until now. He loves me so passionately that He took away everything that was holding me back from Him. Praise God. Yes, I can praise God in my suffering, because it was all for love, and it always has been!

I spent the day completely in raptures at the love and beauty and intimacy that God was lavishing upon me. But I knew it wasn't always going to be this simple. The enemy wants nothing more than to destroy me, and he will not let this come easy. I have already felt attack, but Jesus was right here with me. For the first time I felt the authority and strength and courage to command the enemy to leave, because I knew my Jesus was fighting for me too. I know things will only get more difficult, but He is taking care of me, fighting and praying for me, and His Spirit is with me always.

I must humbly ask for prayer, mainly that I don't shrink back as God opens up my heart, as He invites me to be vulnerable, to be at peace with who I am, and to learn to see Him as the love of my life. Please pray that I can meet spiritual attack with fortitude, and that God will be strong on my behalf when I feel too week to fight it. Pray that I will continue to see the ways God is reaching out to me, and that I will continue to understand that He passionately loves me.

I wish I could really make you understand what God has done for me this week. I wish I could show you, I wish I could give it to you. But it is not for me to give. What I can say is that He is holding out His hands to you, He is inviting you closer, deeper. He wants you to let Him in, to give you peace, healing, restoration, He wants to fill that ache that haunts you. But He will not force it upon you, you must accept His invitation.

Seek the LORD your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul. -Deuteronomy 4:29

To Catch Everyone Up...

2010-09-13T00:13:00.006-05:00

The last month has been... unimaginably difficult for me. My life looks entirely different now than it did only a few weeks ago, and the adjustment has not been an easy one. While most of you know the circumstances which cause me so much struggle, not all of you do. I think I am finally ready to give you at least a brief description, and maybe some thoughts as well.

To get right to the point, a week before I was to set off on my new adventure to Lipscomb University in Nashville, Tennessee, Oz (my boyfriend of over three years) and I sat down together and talked. What we had discovered in the past weeks was that God seemed to be calling us to be single. We had spent three years growing as a pair and so our emotional and spiritual lives were woven together into our relationship, and it seems God wanted us to grow on our own, as we probably should have been all along. While our relationship was beautiful and deep and full of wonder, we became so entangled at too young an age, at an age when we should have been growing in relationship with God as two very separate people. Now I don't at all believe that it would have been better had we not begun dating when we did, because so many great things were accomplished in us, in part due to our relationship. But it made it that much harder to answer the call to be alone with God. But we answered it, and in a sometimes painful, almost sardonic way I love Oz even more for being the one to urge us to choose God over each other. My respect for this man continues to grow, and as God molds him in, I am certain, often drastic ways in the coming years I know my respect for him will continue to deepen.

So, I am single again, for the first time in over three years. It is odd, because I do not feel at all as I did before Oz. When I talk with the girls in my dorm who have never been in a relationship, I can recall the feelings of insecurity, of doubt and fear that girls feel when they don't have the experience to know how to approach a relationship, or when to, for that matter. But I have been through something incredible, something life altering, I have been in love! I still remember kind, loving words, a look that tells me how beautiful I am without speaking. This idea of being single feels so foreign to me now.

Sometimes it is a struggle to see myself in a good light without his constant encouragement. Sometimes I feel so utterly alone and desperate, and it is in these moments that I have had to lean more heavily on God than ever. While often I fight Him, yell at Him, spew hateful things I don't mean, I am learning to be silent in my desperation. Yesterday, in one sitting, I read C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed." He expressed my exact feelings in a clarity I could hardly have written myself (doesn't he always?) when he wrote: "But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face..." This is what I seemed to encounter in my most desperate moments, when all I wanted to do was tell God how much I hated Him, to scream at Him and beat on His chest. But later, he writes: "The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for help may be just the time when God can't give it: you are like the drowning man who can't be helped because he clutches and grabs. Perhaps your own reiterated cries deafen you to the voice you hoped to hear. On the other hand, 'Knock and it shall be opened.' But does knocking mean hammering and kicking the door like a maniac? And there's also, 'To him that hath shall be given.' After all, you must have some capacity to receive, or even omnipotence can't give. Perhaps your own passion temporarily destroys the capacity." How could I expect to hear from God when I could hear nothing above my kicking and screaming? I never stopped my incessant pleading for a second to allow even a word to slip through.

But the minute my cries ceased, the moment I was silent, God came through. When I realized that I was only working myself up over and over and wallowing in my self pity, I went to the Word. I sat quietly reading Psalm after Psalm in an effort to calm down. And in Psalm after Psalm I heard God. In the pit of my despair and self loathing, came these words:

Hear, O daughter, and consider, and incline your ear: forget your people and your father's house, and the king will desire your beauty. -Psalm 45:10 and 11

It may seem to be a most unremarkable passage to some, but to a woman, and especially in my current situation where I wonder every minute if I made the right choice, this is devastatingly good news. All women yearn to be desired, and to be thought beautiful, and in our darkest hours, we do not feel that we are. To hear the words straight out of the mouth of God when you have spent weeks doubting your choice feeling lower than dirt and unworthy of love, to hear that you made the right decision and that God Himself thinks you are beautiful, that shatters you. And while this Psalm is not about my sufferings at all, I truly believe God made sure I read that verse, and that He meant it.

So I suppose at the moment I am learning the art of silence, trust, and the understanding that God is so unfathomably powerful that He is over everything. That He holds my life in His hands, and that I need to trust Him with it. After all, who's hands are more capable? I am learning that the God I perceive to exist is much smaller than the reality, and He can handle even the most difficult trials of my life. So if anything resonates with you from my mental processes of my current situation, let it be that God is bigger than your circumstances, and if you can't hear Him, its probably because you haven't been quiet long enough!

And for those of you whom I have left in the dark for some time, now you are up to speed.

God bless,
Ricki

(What Sometimes Feels Like) Church Shopping

2010-08-29T22:37:00.000-05:00

So today I tried out two churches I was interested in here in Nashville. I enjoyed both of them, and think I will spend some Sundays at each one to see if one would be a place I might want to get myself plugged in. But one thing about this whole church search has been bothering me, and its the idea that, in essence, I am passing judgement on a church as to whether or not it will meet my criteria. The entire time I spent at these two churches, I had to literally fight the urge to pass judgement on everything, the music, the speakers, the topics, the community, the setting, etc. It was, quite frankly, an awful feeling!

I guess I just feel odd having to "select" a church, as if I am shopping for one, and in so doing, decide that one is inadequate. But while I realize that God is certainly present and worshipped and loved in all of these churches, I am aware that I am used to certain things, and worship a certain way, and desire certain types of community with a certain type of attitude. But its hard not to wrestle with myself and wonder if I am making a decision in a healthy way, or simply passing judgement with no real merit. I suppose I am just worried that I have the potential to be a church hopper, or the type of person that decides not to attend a church for trivial reasons, when I know I need to seek community.

Anyone else wrestle with similar feelings?

Bringing Myself to Campus

2010-08-19T16:03:00.000-05:00

On Sunday I moved to my dorm at Lipscomb University in Nashville, TN. I have been so busy that I have not even been able to THINK about writing, or doing anything but sleep in my free time. But today I finally have a little time, and I actually have something I feel I could write about.

Today we heard an Alumni speak about seven tips to making the right decisions in college. One was that this is the time to reinvent yourself. This got me thinking. I didn't feel the need to so much as reinvent myself, as realize that I was feeling as if I left myself behind at home. With all of the busyness, the distraction, and meeting tons of new people, I wasn't feeling like I was revealing myself at all to anyone.

Maybe this was out of fear, maybe I just haven't had the chance, but it was a strange feeling. I'm sure I will begin to find more people that I can become very close to, that I can share my story with and get to know, but a part of me is worried that I will somehow forget the person I have become, forget the growth and the maturing, and the experiences and changes they have brought about it me. A part of me is worried that instead of bringing myself out to affect this campus, this campus will affect me so that I change to fit it.

I want to let this be a chance to be molded in to a better woman of God, but I don't want to be a clean slate, an empty canvas, I don't want to forget who I am. I am trying not to worry about what people think of me, because I know that, although I am not perfect, I have a lot to give. I need to realize that not everyone will like me, and what's important is that I give glory to God in my actions, whether those around me appreciate it or not. I need to remember not to hold back love, or kindness, and while that sounds odd, it is easy to feel uncomfortable surrounded by new people and to hesitate.

So what I'm learning right now is to be myself, to rely on God, and to not hold back my personality and the strengths God has given me. Back to busyness!

God Bless,
Ricki

I Will Give Up Love For You

2010-08-11T11:15:00.005-05:00

Things have been extremely hard for me the last few days. I won't go in to why just yet, because it is still so fresh, but here is a poem that poured out of me the other day. Someday soon I will explain what it's about, but for now, I will let you simply read it.

I Will Give Up Love for You

My heart breaks, but I will let go.

I will turn away from the world to turn to You.

This is what I prayed, and I will obey,

Because You answered me, and Your way is true.

Shattered I wonder if it’s worth it;

My grasp is so tight on all these things.

I will give up love for You,

Because Your love is what I need.

But You will have to hold on tight,

You will have to remind me all the time,

Because I am weak and wounded,

And my nights are spent crying.

Loosen my fingers from this fist,

And take them in Your hands.

Whisper Your perfect will to me,

Be all that I want and all that I am.

I can’t breathe, this fear would kill me,

If You hadn’t shown that I could trust You.

You say, “Great things I will reveal,

“beautiful, wonderful and new.”

You promise me things I cant imagine,

You say, “follow me, trust me,

Through me you could do great things.”

I don’t see what you see.

But Your promises remain,

That all this pain will be worth it.

At the moment my heart is broken,

But You are making it new and perfect.

I gave up love for you,

Because You died for me.

God bless,

Ricki

God's Little Nudges: Listen, and You Could Save a Life!

2010-08-07T10:52:00.003-05:00

I have thought about the movie "To Save A Life," and I realized just what made this movie so powerful to me. In it's most basic form, this movie is about a theme that keeps coming up in my life lately: don't ignore God's "nudges," as I like to call them.

I find that often we feel the tug on our heart to help someone, or a slight push to step out in faith in some way, and most of us probably ignore a lot of these. I believe that often times these nudges are from God, and that these are opportunities to reach people, to reveal Him to others, or to even save a life that is perched close to the edge. In these instances, ignoring the nudge can have disastrous consequences. In the movie, one of the worst possible outcomes was faced by Jake, the main character, when an old friend who had saved his life as a child, brought a gun to school and committed suicide in the hall. He had severed ties with this friend for the sake of popularity. He ignored the obvious distress of his old friend, and it ended in the worst way.

While not all of us may directly save a life by listening to God's nudges, we may help direct someone, we may bring them back to God, or in to a deeper understanding of Him. We may show the homeless man on the street the love of Christ through our compassion, or show a friend the mercy and healing of our God by being open and vulnerable, even when our hurts and scars warn us not to. And often times, we do not know how God uses our actions to affect others; there may be someone out there who was so deeply touched by some of us, and they don't even know our names.

So the question I want to leave you with is this: Will you ignore God's nudges today?

If you find that He is placing something on your heart, an idea in your head, don't try to rationalize it thinking, "What good could this do?" Don't deny it claiming, "I don't have the time." Don't ignore it saying, "That would be too difficult or too painful." By being obedient, you could be lead on a straight path that will take you to all the great purposes God has set out for you, you could deeply touch the people around you in ways you would not even imagine, and you could even save a life!

A Brief Note on the Movie "To Save A Life"

2010-08-06T00:25:00.002-05:00

Recently, I was browsing around on facebook when an ad appeared on the right hand side of the page. It was a poll that asked, "How do you stand up for your beliefs?" I was curious about the ad, so I clicked on it. It took me to a page about a movie called "To Save A Life." I read through the info and watched the trailer, and was intrigued. It looked like it could be terrible, like it could be cheesy and hokey, but it seemed that it just might be something worth watching. So I added it to my queue on Netflix, and just watched it today. Here is the description of the movie:

Jake and Roger grew up as best friends. But in high school, Jake becomes a star athlete who has it all: popularly, a college scholarship and the hottest girl on campus. It’s an ideal life that comes at the exclusion of his childhood friend. Meanwhile, Roger no longer fits in Jake’s circle of friends and becomes tired of always being pushed aside. He makes a tragic move that spins Jake’s world out of control. As Jake searches for answers, one question plagues him the most: Could he have saved his friend?

Jake becomes deeply compelled to reach out to students who are on the fringe of acceptability by the school’s upper crust. But, he soon finds that reaching out to the undesirable might cost him everything—his reputation, his friends, his girlfriend and even his dreams. It’s a journey that will change Jake’s life forever. To Save A Life is an inspirational story about real-life challenges and hard choices. For anyone who has struggled with regret, loneliness or pain, it is a story of hope. For all of us, To Save A Life is a story about living a life of significance. Through Jake’s journey, you will be challenged to answer the question—what’s your life going to be about?

I won't lie, after watching this movie, I am not sure what to say. I don't think I could yet describe what this movie did to me. All I can tell you, at this point, is that I spent most of it crying, and continued even after the movie had finished. I tried to pray, but I didn't know what to say, so I simply wept and sat before God. Now I just pray that God will open my eyes to the reason this affected me so deeply, and that I may share it here. For now, I must collect my thoughts, but hopefully I will have more to say soon.

God bless,
Ricki

I Will Follow You

2010-08-04T18:57:00.001-05:00

Funny how you can hear a song hundreds of times, every time thinking its nothing special, until one day it suddenly seems to capture just what you're going through. Today I heard the song Let the Waters Rise by Mikeschair on the radio, a song they play constantly that had never meant much to me, and I found that it was very appropriate for my current situation. Who knows, maybe, like me, these words are what you've been needing to lift up to God in worship.

Let the Waters Rise

By Mikeschair

Don't know where to begin

Its like my world's caving in

And I try but I can't control my fear

Where do I go from here?

Sometimes it's so hard to pray

When You feel so far away

But I am willing to go where You want me to

God I trust in You

There's a raging sea right in front of me

Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees

So let the waters rise if You want them to

I will follow You, I will follow You

I will follow You

I will swim in the deep 'cuz You'll be next to me

You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea

You're never out of reach

God You know where I've been

And You were there with me then

You were faithful before, You'll be faithful again

I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea right in front of me

Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees

So let the waters rise if You want them to

I will follow You, I will follow You

I will follow You

God Your love is enough

You will pull me through

I'm holding on to You

God Your love is enough

I will follow You, I will follow You

There's a raging sea right in front of me

Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees

So let the waters rise if You want them to

I will follow You, I will follow You

I will follow You

God Bless,

Ricki

Change and Suffering: Following God Even When It Hurts

2010-08-03T12:50:00.000-05:00

Change has surrounded me these days. I blame it on Urbana, the missions conference for college students that's held every three years in St. Louis. Attending that conference drastically altered my perspective on my life, and what it means to follow Jesus. I discovered that all of my ideas, all of my plans, all of my desires, came from me. I realized then that I wanted all I was to come from Jesus, not to follow my own little path, and inevitably end up bruised and broken, and arrive at a dead end. It occurred to me that following Jesus, at least in the context of what to do with your life, means literally following Him. Walking the path He made for you, and sacrificing and suffering to stay on it.

I once read (although I have altered this a bit), that the path God has set out for you is like a thin trail through a dense forest. You set out on the path and sometimes it is hard to see, sometimes there are stones or logs or roots that can trip you, or even seem to block your path altogether. When the path is hard to see, you need to take your time to figure out where it is, otherwise you may wander off and be lost. Often you will trip on the stones and roots, sometimes you will fall and get hurt, but you must dust yourself off and continue on the path; it would be foolish to leave it because you often trip, when there are unseen dangers that could be waiting if you were to wander off the path. Your wounds will eventually heal if you continue on the beaten path, but if you deviate from it, the difficulty of trekking through the wilderness will surely cause you more pain.

"Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed." -Hebrews 12:12&13

Sometimes there will be a huge log or rock that sits directly in the way. Take the time to move the obstacle off the path, it will be difficult, tiresome, and painful. But if you were to go around it, you would surely trip on roots, be pricked by thorn bushes, and scraped by tree branches, and could even get lost. Following Jesus is painful. But more than that, it is rewarding.

"...we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope..." -Romans 5:3&4

After Urbana, I began to look to God for guidance, more than I ever have before. I knew that anything I chose to do would not be as fruitful as if I let God lead the way, but I also knew that following Him was going to hurt. At the time, I didn't know just how much, but I gave my life, my future, and everything I had to God and said, "Take me wherever it is You want me, I will follow no matter what. Refine me, get rid of the things that don't please You, that I may be focused on You." I knew that great care should be taken in praying something like this, because I knew God would answer, and I wouldn't like it. But something in me had changed. I wasn't willing to drift through life, purposeless and wandering as the world falls apart and people die without hearing the Gospel. I knew God was calling me to something, and I didn't want to ignore Him anymore.

As expected, God answered, and I didn't like it. I began looking for a college to transfer to from the community college I had been attending, and eventually God lead me to Lipscomb Univesity, a small Christian school 8 hours from home in Nashville, Tennessee. I would be leaving behind all the people I love. This was just the beginning of what I would be giving up. My family has been struggling, just like most families, to stay afloat financially these days. But for us, it was due in part to my stubbornness to admit that we could no longer afford my horses. I was struggling myself because of a car payment that I could hardly afford. God slowly began revealing to me that I had things in my life that were going to get in the way of me following Him to this school. He began urging me that I needed to sell my horses and my car. There was no way I could afford to keep two horses at school with me, or my parents could afford to keep them at home. There was no way I could focus on school if I had to work enough to pay my car payment. And God made me realize that with these things, I am tied to a life here, I don't have much freedom to follow God to another country for a mission trip, to study abroad, to see things and experience things. I knew all this, but I hesitated for a long time. Finally, I made the decision, and after months and months, my horses went to their new home on Sunday. This is still fresh and painful, but I can see that it is good. I am still trying to get the car figured out, but I am not worried, God will provide. I spent months worrying about financial aid, about how I would pay for this semester. I couldn't get private loans, and Direct loans and scholarships were only getting me part of the way. I was angry with God, I was stressed and worried, but He came through.

Because of all of this change, I have suffered. But I would not do anything differently. I have learned and grown so much, realizing that all of this will be forgotten when my sufferings bear fruit, when I am able to touch lives and be touched by others on mission trips, when I am able to be successful at school, and when I graduate and follow God on the next journey where He will use the new things I have learned. I thank God for taking care of me, for helping me to let go of things that are only hurting me, even when it's painful to change.

Following Jesus is painful, but it is well worth it. I know that I want to stand before Him one day, and have Him say to me, "Well done, good and faithful." So I will follow God, even when it hurts.

Untitled

2010-08-03T00:00:00.000-05:00

I have made numerous attempts at 'blogging,' and have always failed. But I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head, some silly and insignificant, others philosophical and strange, and I often feel the need to explore them through writing. I figure, maybe, just maybe, my thoughts will be interesting to someone, so better to write them here than in a journal that only I will see, that will eventually be lost or forgotten. Maybe I'll even post some of my art here as well, although that would require more confidence than I currently possess, which maybe I am meant to gain through this endeavor. We'll see.

Enjoy and God bless.
Ricki